Ranking the America's Next Top Model "winners"

I'm all about America's Next Top Model. It's terrible, but in a terrible way. Oops, I meant to say in a fun way...OR DID I?

Cycle One's winner was Adrienne Curry, who has now been so bastardized by the mighty Tyra that she is the only winner Tyra will never, ever, admit to. Too bad, because she was kind of hot, in a very Joliet, Illinois kind of way. She's for sure the hottest chick you'd buy your weed from if you lived in Joliet. But what the fuck was she so paranoid about, that she decided she HAD to marry Peter Brady ASAP? Lest her...twenty-two-year-old eggs go rotting away? I don't get it. That kind of insane drive to be married to anyone who will have you doesn't usually kick in until at least your late twenties, even in the Midwest.

Cycle Two brought us Yoanna House. This was the cycle when I first started watching the show, and I picked Yoanna as the rightful winner from the jump, due mainly to her insane cheekbones. And boy, was I vindicated when she not only went on to win the show, but was featured in a cover spread on...Psychology Today? And went on to star in a HOT fashion show held at...The Westfield Shopping Mall in Saint Louis? Sure shows that I missed my calling as a model scout.

Cycle Three was all about the Pigford. Miss Eva, if you're nasty. Again, she was my fave from the beginning. She's also arguably the most successful product to come out of the show, if you think about how she starred in a direct-to-video movie with Teck from the Real World Hawaill. Oh how I wish that was sarcasm, but seriously, what have any of the other winners accomplilshed that was more prestigious?

Cycle Four brought us down a notch with the crowning of the hirsute Naima. No, I don't know her last name, and no, I'm not going to look it up. Look, I have a lot of unwanted fur on my face too, but then again, no one's paying me to look pretty. Of course, no one's paying Naima to look pretty either, so I guess she gets the last laugh. Rock on, you furry-faced monkey.

Cycle Five saw the crowning of....fuck, was it Nicole, or Danielle? They've busted out so many cycles of this shit in such rapid succession that I honestly couldn't say. So, I'll just combine my comments for both. I think both of them were worthy winners, although neither were my original picks. Nicole IS kind of high fashion, if you squint real hard, and Dani(elle) IS pretty charming with her gap-toothed smile and her English mangling. Too bad I've never seen any of them in anything, ever, post show, save a photo of Dani on Go Fug Yourself at the NAACP Image Awards. Now THAT'S a resume high point.

Cycle Seven was won by Caridee English. I believe her recent "My Life As a Cover Girl" spot said it all, where she was shown being primped by the Heatherette designers so she could....sit in the audience at their fashion show. I mean, DAMN....how unsuccessful do you have to be when corporate sponsers of the show that crowned you their winner are like, "Well, I guess we'll let her COME to the show if you give us some free ad time." But I did just see her on TMZ being all slobbered over by Michelle Rodriguez, so there's that, I guess. Her big rival Melrose got manhandled by the Piv on Golden Globes night though, so I'm still gonna cry sad sorry bridesmaid on that one.

Soo....America's Next Top Model is batting about a .000 percentage on actually discovering current and relevant models. Good thing I keep watching!