Shit I Hope I Remember to Say to My Daughter When She's a Teen

I feel like I got lucky with Elodie, in that she's not like me. She doesn't seem to recognize bullshit as readily as I feel I did even at a young age. She gets along with people of all stripes, all ages, all skin tones, all douchebag levels, and she accepts people where they are and gets down to the get down with them...her go-to question with a new person is where can we connect? Is it over play-wrestling, or you picking me up and swinging me around? Fine, let's do that. Are you into make-up, and dress-up? I can do that too. Do you want to play pretend? Pick your poison, we can play school, we can play fairies, we can play princesses, we can play family, etc. etc. So, maybe she doesn't need these words from her mother as much as I probably needed them when I was a preteen, but on the chance that her hormones will go all wiggidy-wack and she'll turn into a monster I don't recognize in adolescence, here's some shit I hope I'll remember to say...

1. Adolescence is torture, and anyone that tells you that high school is the best years of your life is a loser.

2. Your mom truly is the smartest person you know, and her advice is correct, and you know this is true, Elodie, because your mom won money for being right on Jeopardy.

3 Just because someone seems to have nothing in common with you on the surface doesn't mean they have nothing to offer you on any level. Conversely, having the same movie tastes, TV tastes, video game tastes, and music tastes in common doesn't mean you agree on life's big questions.

4. Teenagers are terrible people. Don't trust any of them, including yourself. You are making terrible choices right now, probably, and if you aren't, your friends certainly are. That heady cocktail of peer pressure, insecurity, and hormones practically guarantees that what you think is a good idea isn't. Therefore, don't make any decision at all in this state that will have long-term consequences for your future.

5. You wanna know another thing teens suck at? Judging people. Do you think it's just some crazy coincidence that most of the awesome adults on this Earth admit to feeling bullied, or judged, or picked on as a teen? Not fitting in, being smart, being sensitive--believe it or not, actual adults that exist in the real world admire those traits. You never know which of your "dork" acquaintances might be Bill Gates, and if you yourself are a dork? Count yourself lucky. Dorks are usually the people who can see through the teen bullshit at a younger age and aren't willing or able to play along. Being the prettiest girl in high school never guaranteed anybody a trouble-free life.

6. If somebody seems a little off, they are. Everybody who is crazy gives you ample warning signs. I know it seems like the right thing to do, to be their friend, but trust me when i tell you it is better for all involved if you cut them off and walk away. If your crazy friend loses friends, it's going to be a wake-up call to them, and if not, it's better to cut your losses. Specifically, remove yourself from any situation or friend that wants you to do something that you know is wrong or incredibly dangerous. Look, slightly dangerous situations are the lifeblood of a teen, and I get that. I'm talking about if in your gut, even you know this is insanity. Get out of there. He/She is not worth it. You are.

7. Love. Sex. Hoo Boy. I will say just this...Love is great. Sex is grand. The two combined are the best of all. But boys will never be more of a sex-focused pig than they are in the next ten years, and you have to always remember that some of these sex-driven maniacs will turn out to be decent men, and some of them will continue to be sex-driven maniacs, and it's best if you can try to discern between the two. And always, always keep in mind that there are many men out there that will feel the same way about you as whatever Boy X is spouting off to you. In fact, it may be a useful exercise to say to yourself, when Boy X says, "I just think you are the most beautiful woman I've ever known", or "You are my soul mate and therefore you must sleep with me," that there exist at least 10 more men on the planet that would/could/do feel the exact same way. And then, pick and choose among them. And use a condom, for Christ's sake. I don't wanna be a grandma yet.