Musings on the Academy Awards

When I first heard that James Franco and Anne Hathaway were going to be the hosts of this year's Academy Awards, I believe my exact words were, "Oh no." I mean, come on. You've got to earn that shit, by virtue of being known for being quite funny, quite charming on live televised events, quite a song-and-dance man, something. And I mean, I think James Franco is a good actor--you may recall that right on this very blog, I said that I wouldn't have minded seeing him win Best Actor for 127 hours--but I also predicted that he was gonna suck monkey nuts as an Oscar host. And hoo boy, did I hit that one out of the park. I think I predicted that he would be a "pretentious time suck"; change "pretentious" to "catatonic", and you can call me Miss Cleo. The only thing that surprised me, host-wise, was that I was expecting to want to punch Anne Hathaway in the face afterwards more than Franco, but those roles have been reversed. I didn't think Hathaway was good, mind you, but at least she tried. And she had maybe one or two decent moments last night compared to Franco's goose egg. She could have maybe been bumped up to passable if she had something other than a block of wood to play off of. And she sure looked nice. Franco's eyes looked like blind albino mice eyes, and he looked like shit in drag, too. And why is that funny? Just...some dude in drag? That's the whole joke? Do. Not. Get. Do. Not. Want. Ever again.

Let's move on. Except, move on to what? Everything was so boring, and predictable. I'm tired of the big surprise being that that rule about there being at least one surprise winner each year isn't true anymore. Let's face it folks. It was boring, and lame, and there wasn't really anything, anything to hang your hat on or sink your teeth into entertainment-wise. I feel like I felt when I found out Santa Claus wasn't real. I'll still watch the Oscars, but I think this is the year the scales fell from my eyes, and I'm never gonna feel about the Oscars the way I felt about them when I was 25 again.

OK, but now I will talk a few specifics. Kirk Douglas has been touted as a highlight. Really? I mean, it's sweet and all, I guess, but I don't necessarily want such a stark reminder of how time just keeps a' marchin' on for us all. I would have been fine with it though if he would have cut it in half. But I found the dragging-out-the-winner's-name bit kind of cringeworthy, and a little rude. And then I found what followed it, Melissa Leo's speech, absolutely cringeworthy, and a lot rude. No, I'm not talking about the f-bomb, I'm talking about...learn how to speak publicly if you're going to be called upon to do it in such a public forum, for heaven's sakes. Get it together. If you think you may be nervous, which I get, have a few choice lines memorized so you can use the audience's laughter to compose yourself a bit.

One more word about Melissa Leo. I thought it was bullshit that she was getting called out so hard for those cheesy campaign ads she did. Yes, they were cheesy; yes, it was too much and made her seem narcissistic, but I thought the potential punishment (losing the Oscar over it) would not have fit the crime, had that come to pass. Because I thought that if it was a man that did something similar, nobody would seriously suggest that he deserved to lose because of it. But then she gave her speech, and I thought, "Oh Melissa Leo, I'm not going to defend your crazy-pants-ness anymore. Nobody's against you because you're a 50-year-old non-ingenue in a sexist industry, they're against you because you grate. Badly."

A few other random musings--Gwyneth Paltrow is a pretty decent singer for a non-singer, and I'm not sure why we're all supposed to just accept that she's any more special at it than that. Jennifer Hudson's new body is sick (sick good, I mean). Robert Downey Jr. would have been a much better host choice than Franco. Oprah's boobs are ginormous. I read on another blog that Reznor's score is the main thing elevated The Social Network to a potential best picture, and I think I agree with that. And I'm not going to break up with the Oscars over this year, but I don't know that our relationship will ever truly be the same.