I was turned off by the ad campaign for this movie originally. I hated that it used the phrase, "The race for the Oscars has begun." I thought, what am obnoxious way of telling us that a movie is going to be filled with Oscar-bait moments designed to appeal to the greatest common denominator in a critically-pleasing way. Plus, I gotta be honest, never have been a big fan of the Clooney. I'm not a player hater, the man has his charisma and talent, but he just never really floated my boat. But then I noticed four little words . . . Directed by Alexander Payne, and that was all it took for this fangirl to completely change her tune and want to see this shit pronto.
Before I delve into my actual review of the movie in question, I want to back up a bit to 2002. I went by myself to see About Schmidt, because I am a dork that likes to see all of the movies nominated for the big awards, and Jack Nicholson had just been nominated. As I recall, I wasn't looking forward to it all that much, mainly for the much of the same reasons that I was initially turned off by The Descendants . . . I thought it seemed Oscar-baity and full of itself, and I thought Nicholson was an overrated actor. But I ended up being blown away by it. I thought it was such a smart balance of humor and pathos. I loved all the detail and care that obviously went in to making each set piece of the movie be at once both completely authentic and deeply comical. I still maintain that it's the best work Nicholson has done before or since. And the Dear Ndugu letters can simply never be topped as the most ingenious way of injecting first person narrative into a movie, ever. Then came Sideways, and while for me it didn't quite top About Schmidt (an opinion that most disagree with me on, I will concede), it certainly cemented Alexander Payne for me as quite possibly my favorite contemporary filmmaker.
So it was with high, high expectations that I went into Payne's latest directorial effort. And once again, I fell in love. Alexander Payne has restored my faith in the movies, y'all! It's such a great feeling to fall in love with a movie, and for me it happens so rarely that when it does I just want to sing its praises from the rooftops. Most of my favorite aspects of About Schmidt also hold true for this movie . . . It has that
really smart, watchable blend of humor and pathos, the sets feel completely lived in and utterly real, and It's certainly the best work I've ever seen from The Clooney (obviously, the lone exception being his finely nuanced, sharply drawn work as George on The Facts of Life). It's easily my favorite movie in years, and if I was really going to sit down and rank them, I feel like About Schmidt, Sideways, and The Descendants would all earn a place in my all-time favorite top ten (just offhand, I know I would also put Raising Arizona, Heathers, The Big Lebowski, Fearless, Before Sunrise, and Thelma and Louise in there. Guess I'll have to think on the one remaining slot--but who am I kidding? It totes goes to Some Kind of Wonderful).
So, why? Why do his movies work with me so much? I will say that I could understand someone else not feeling quite as strongly about them; although I don't think I would ever understand somebody not liking them at all or not at least considering them good movies. For me, I think it's because the humor, and the pathos, and the sets, just all feel so incredibly organic. Like, this is what that specific person's house would really look like. Or, that is exactly how that character would respond to this situation--those are the exact words he would use. Nothing feels drummed up for dramatic effect. To me, Payne's movies make the pain and the humor of everyday life cinematic narratives. As opposed to giving the audience a cinematic narrative, and then asking us to see ourselves or real life reflected in it. His movies just feel like real life to me.
I think part of the reason for this lies in the fact that he apparently spends a lot of time looking for novels to adapt into movies. I believe all of Payne's movies I've been referencing have been adapted from novels. Also, Election was as well, and I will say that that one does not quite make my all-time best list because it's more of a satire than the other three, but it's certainly a very good satire. I love to read, and many times have thought to myself, "Why doesn't someone turn this into a movie?" There does seem to be a dearth of good ideas out there when fucking Disney rides, shitty TV shows and nostalgic toys are the basis for many a contemporary movie script (and I say this as someone who loves Disney rides, watched Speed Racer as a child and owned my share of Transformers, or at least had a brother who did). So hallelujah for someone realizing that the best way to tell a compelling story onscreen is to start with a compelling novel. And for realizing that just because it sold a bajillion copies, doesn't mean it's necessarily the most compelling or original source material, either. The quieter novels have their merits.
I know I didn't end up actually saying that much about the movie itself. i think that's because I do feel Payne has hit on, for me, the winning combination of making a movie I want to see, so much so that the specific details hardly matter. It's a great movie, go see it, and I'ma leave it at that.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
American Idol!
Sucks. obvs. But on the for realsies, I feel like "the Voice" has given me what I have been lacking with AI for a while. And look, I know this much seem so very gay, or irrelevant, to those among you that don't give a fuck about this stuff, but I finally figured out that, this is females and gay folks and anyone who doesn't give a hang about sports, sports. And for those of you that are into music for the way it makes you feel, this shit is for the people who like it for the performance. I mean, I like the way music makes me feel too, but I also like seeing someone just fucking KILL a note that you can tell she's striving for, and I love rooting for someone that can bring together a performance that just gets it on every level. And that is why I have always been, and will continue to be, a fan of Idol, the X-Factor, the Voice, whatevs. Fantasia on Summertime. Haley on House of the Rising Sun. Shit, Siobhan on House of the Rising Sun. Adam on Mad World. Kris on Heartless. David Cook on Always Be my Baby. Carrie on Alone
That being said, I thought this season sucked. I think not being judged in any way made too many of them think that they were beyond reproach or criticism, and they weren't. I almost wrote a blog post when Pia was eliminated, because she was who I thought should win, but you know what? She IS boring, and uncharismatic. So, meh. I liked James Durbin, and I thought he slayed it on "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow", and had a real "Idol moment", but on the for reals, he was a less in tune Adam. Sorry, player haters, but he was.
However, I always like the AI final like some people always like the Superbowl. I just like to see people sing and dance, and do it reasonably well, and I do always like to see some of those crazy kids sing with actual pros. And, I'm not going to lie, I like that Tim McGraw song, and guess what, Tim McGraw look kinda good. I'll finish this up later, y'all, bedtime calls.
That being said, I thought this season sucked. I think not being judged in any way made too many of them think that they were beyond reproach or criticism, and they weren't. I almost wrote a blog post when Pia was eliminated, because she was who I thought should win, but you know what? She IS boring, and uncharismatic. So, meh. I liked James Durbin, and I thought he slayed it on "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow", and had a real "Idol moment", but on the for reals, he was a less in tune Adam. Sorry, player haters, but he was.
However, I always like the AI final like some people always like the Superbowl. I just like to see people sing and dance, and do it reasonably well, and I do always like to see some of those crazy kids sing with actual pros. And, I'm not going to lie, I like that Tim McGraw song, and guess what, Tim McGraw look kinda good. I'll finish this up later, y'all, bedtime calls.
Friday, April 29, 2011
I'm a Level 25!
I did the Pearl Cafe's spicy food challenge tonight. I threw down on a level 25 stir fry cashew chicken. You can do the challenge on any of their curries, stir fries, or noodles spiced up to a level 25, and the proprietor of the place told me that a stir fry was probably my best bet as it was a lesser amount of food than the noodle dishes, and with the curries you have to eat all the sauce, too. He said if i completed it, I would only be the third female to do so. I completed it with little to no problems. It didn't taste much spicier than the way I prefer my Thai food, to be honest, although eating a whole dish like that was a little challenging--knowing I couldn't save some for later and eat only half of it. Aside from some nose running, I came through relatively unscathed. Their dilly-yo is that you start with a level 25, then work up to a 50, 75, and finally, a 100. You only get a reward for completing the 100. Even though I completed this without much difficulty, I don't know that I could do the same at level 100. I think I could take a few bites of it, maybe even finish off about half of it if I had a lot of time to kill, but I don't know if I could eat a whole plate of it at one sitting. So... I may try to throw down on a level 50 at some point if I'm feeling frisky, but for now I will just bask in the glory of going where few women have gone before. Truly, this is my proudest accomplishment to date besides birthing an awesome daughter and winning on Jeopardy. I kid, but only a little bit.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
What's Heather Putting in her Mouth? NYC Edition
I just got back from my trip to NYC to visit Lisa, go to restaurants, and watch a shitload of Ricky Gervais produced telly episodes (see, I feel British now because of all the Gervais-watching, hence my use of telly). I didn't know the last thing was on the agenda, but I was all for it. If you haven't already, I urge you to check out An Idiot Abroad and The Ricky Gervais Show.
But on to the restaurants. The first place we ate was Kin Shop, which is owned and run by one Mr. Harold Dieterle, the first winner of Top Chef. Harold has another restaurant in NY that's been open longer called Perilla, but their menu is the kind of new-Amercian, braised rabbit and squab-type entrees that I know I should crave as an aspiring foodie, but I just don't. So I was more into the idea of Kin Shop, because it is Thai-inspired. As in, not straight-up traditional Thai, but with those same flavor profiles. And yes, I hate myself a little bit that I seriously just used the phrase "flavor profiles" in earnest. I ordered the beef tartare and the spicy duck laab salad. And I don't even like duck, but the menu put their 5-star extra-spicy designation on that dish, and that's like my bat signal. It was the stuff! Probably the best thing I put in my mouth on my trip. So spicy, and served on these lettuce leaves that you could kind of fold up and make your own wraps with. The beef tartare was served with a quail-egg yolk on top, so that was cute. The tartare itself was tasty, but it was more like cubes instead of ground meat, and I think I prefer it ground. The duck on the salad was all ground up, and Lisa and I agreed that it didn't taste like any duck we'd ever had before, in a good way. If I could pick one nit with the place, it was that there was nothing on the table to amuse my bouche before the meal. Call me hopelessly Midwestern, but I'm a gal that likes a bread basket. Or shrimp chips. Something.
The next restaurant we went to was a place called Beauty and Essex on the lower east side. This place was more "trendy" or "scene-y" or something, which I knew going in, but I wanted to see one place like that on my trip. It's also kind of American tapas, all about the small plates for the table that you're meant to share. Plus, they serve bone marrow, and I wanted to try that, because I'm disgusting. Fuck Charlie Sheen, I'm running around Manhattan eating raw beef and sucking the marrow out of bones. Who's the tiger now? And I'm here to tell you that bone marrow is...not all that great, really. I'd eat it again, but then, we've already established that I'm a disgusting tiger. I wouldn't necessarily seek it out again. It tastes like that melty fat part of a steak. It was served with toast and a savory jelly, and that helped. It's just not all that flavorful on its own. We also got this tuna sashimi with chorizo that, next to the duck salad, was probably the most delicious bite I had all week, but the portions on that dish were super-small, so it really was just a bite or two. The lobster tacos were good, but not great, and I was annoyed that there were three of them, seeing as how there were two of us. We also ordered the NY strip steak, which is again meant to be shared and comes with four different dipping sauces. It was really good, and I loved mixing the bearnaise and the chimichurri sauces. Last, but decidedly not least, was the molten chocolate bread pudding with hazelnut ice cream. I'm not the biggest dessert person, but I could not stop eating this. And that came in a huge portion that was more than enough for two, probably three people to share.
For my final fancy meal, we went to Les Halles on Park Avenue in midtown. This place kind of classifies itself as a basic, no-frills French bistro, and if you've read any of Anthony Bourdain's books, he talks about it like it's kind of a dive with decent food. It's not a dive. There was a cluster of what I'm assuming were male models drinking at the bar near our table; in fact, in terms of general attractiveness of the patrons, Les Halles had it going on over Beauty and Essex, which surprised me. I had the frisee aux lardon salad with a poached egg, which is a fancy way of saying a bacon and bleu cheese salad with an egg on top. And it's that kind of lettuce that's all, you know, frizzy-looking. Then I had the steak tartare and frites. The steak tartare was prepared tableside, which was cool in the sense that you could tell the dude if you wanted more or less of the various add-in's, but I always kind of feel like an asshole when I order things like that that draw attention to the table and make more work for the waiter. Lord knows I used to want to cut a bitch for ordering the guacamole that we used to have to prepare tableside at Ramon's Jalapeno. The steak tartare, you will be happy to learn if you are a tiger, was the best I've ever had, and there was quite a large portion of it. The fries were pretty delicious too. Lisa got an order of profiteroles for us to share (oh, and by us, I mean me, Lisa, and Ted Cancila--kicking it old school SLU theater style) for dessert, but I didn't think they were all that wonderful. Just all right for me, dawg. I guess overall Les Halles was my least favorite of the three restaurants, but it was still pretty damn good, and seriously, if you have any desire to try steak tartare, this is the place to do it.
But on to the restaurants. The first place we ate was Kin Shop, which is owned and run by one Mr. Harold Dieterle, the first winner of Top Chef. Harold has another restaurant in NY that's been open longer called Perilla, but their menu is the kind of new-Amercian, braised rabbit and squab-type entrees that I know I should crave as an aspiring foodie, but I just don't. So I was more into the idea of Kin Shop, because it is Thai-inspired. As in, not straight-up traditional Thai, but with those same flavor profiles. And yes, I hate myself a little bit that I seriously just used the phrase "flavor profiles" in earnest. I ordered the beef tartare and the spicy duck laab salad. And I don't even like duck, but the menu put their 5-star extra-spicy designation on that dish, and that's like my bat signal. It was the stuff! Probably the best thing I put in my mouth on my trip. So spicy, and served on these lettuce leaves that you could kind of fold up and make your own wraps with. The beef tartare was served with a quail-egg yolk on top, so that was cute. The tartare itself was tasty, but it was more like cubes instead of ground meat, and I think I prefer it ground. The duck on the salad was all ground up, and Lisa and I agreed that it didn't taste like any duck we'd ever had before, in a good way. If I could pick one nit with the place, it was that there was nothing on the table to amuse my bouche before the meal. Call me hopelessly Midwestern, but I'm a gal that likes a bread basket. Or shrimp chips. Something.
The next restaurant we went to was a place called Beauty and Essex on the lower east side. This place was more "trendy" or "scene-y" or something, which I knew going in, but I wanted to see one place like that on my trip. It's also kind of American tapas, all about the small plates for the table that you're meant to share. Plus, they serve bone marrow, and I wanted to try that, because I'm disgusting. Fuck Charlie Sheen, I'm running around Manhattan eating raw beef and sucking the marrow out of bones. Who's the tiger now? And I'm here to tell you that bone marrow is...not all that great, really. I'd eat it again, but then, we've already established that I'm a disgusting tiger. I wouldn't necessarily seek it out again. It tastes like that melty fat part of a steak. It was served with toast and a savory jelly, and that helped. It's just not all that flavorful on its own. We also got this tuna sashimi with chorizo that, next to the duck salad, was probably the most delicious bite I had all week, but the portions on that dish were super-small, so it really was just a bite or two. The lobster tacos were good, but not great, and I was annoyed that there were three of them, seeing as how there were two of us. We also ordered the NY strip steak, which is again meant to be shared and comes with four different dipping sauces. It was really good, and I loved mixing the bearnaise and the chimichurri sauces. Last, but decidedly not least, was the molten chocolate bread pudding with hazelnut ice cream. I'm not the biggest dessert person, but I could not stop eating this. And that came in a huge portion that was more than enough for two, probably three people to share.
For my final fancy meal, we went to Les Halles on Park Avenue in midtown. This place kind of classifies itself as a basic, no-frills French bistro, and if you've read any of Anthony Bourdain's books, he talks about it like it's kind of a dive with decent food. It's not a dive. There was a cluster of what I'm assuming were male models drinking at the bar near our table; in fact, in terms of general attractiveness of the patrons, Les Halles had it going on over Beauty and Essex, which surprised me. I had the frisee aux lardon salad with a poached egg, which is a fancy way of saying a bacon and bleu cheese salad with an egg on top. And it's that kind of lettuce that's all, you know, frizzy-looking. Then I had the steak tartare and frites. The steak tartare was prepared tableside, which was cool in the sense that you could tell the dude if you wanted more or less of the various add-in's, but I always kind of feel like an asshole when I order things like that that draw attention to the table and make more work for the waiter. Lord knows I used to want to cut a bitch for ordering the guacamole that we used to have to prepare tableside at Ramon's Jalapeno. The steak tartare, you will be happy to learn if you are a tiger, was the best I've ever had, and there was quite a large portion of it. The fries were pretty delicious too. Lisa got an order of profiteroles for us to share (oh, and by us, I mean me, Lisa, and Ted Cancila--kicking it old school SLU theater style) for dessert, but I didn't think they were all that wonderful. Just all right for me, dawg. I guess overall Les Halles was my least favorite of the three restaurants, but it was still pretty damn good, and seriously, if you have any desire to try steak tartare, this is the place to do it.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Reality TV Musings
I guess I've abandoned that idea I had to review all 10 of the Oscar movies. I think the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Oscar telecast kinda took the wind out of my sails on that idea. I'm sorry I have to punish you, pretty good and creative movies, for the sins of your celebratory dinner's hosts (well, host...I'm still willing to give Hathaway a half a pass), but that's the way my ADD-like approach to pop culture crumbles. You're yesterday's news.
So lately, I've been really into Intervention thanks to its preponderance on my Netflix streaming. And it's become a bit of a problem. I seem to gravitate toward the heroin addict ones, and a lot of them talk about "chasing the dragon", like they're continuing to search for that hit that's gonna be as good as the one in their memory. I find myself doing that lately with the episodes themselves. I'll search and search the episode descriptions for the ones that are gonna give me the greatest hit for my money.
I am also one of those dumbasses that watches the Bachelor with alarming regularity. Hey, I didn't say I was proud of it, but to me, there is nothing like watching a weird, creepy, half-fake, full-dysfunctional pseudo-relationship play out before your eyes for like 24 hours worth of filmed entertainment, and then watching the sad aftermath of said fake relationship play out on TV and the internet to appease my nosy-parker instincts quite like that show. Because in one way, it seems like, well of course none of these relationships work out, they're conducted by people on TV, for TV, in a creepy, misogynistic, simultaneously antiquated and fraught-with-the-modern-perils-of-a-life-lived-without-shame-or-boundaries type of way, so of course it wouldn't ever work for real. But then there's another part of me that thinks, if these two famewhores and exercise addicts can't make it work out, what with their apparent shared zeal for both famewhoring and exercise, what chance do any of us crazy kids have in this world? I'm bumming that Chantal won't be the next Bachelorette, though. I'd have liked to see what that big-chested crazy wonder would have brought to the table, much more so than I give a shit what girl-dentist Ashley does in the romance department. Because certainly, dentist-Ashley deserves love, and I'm sure can find it someday, but really, what are the chances it's going to happen this way? There's only so many really dim, really sweet firefighters like Ryan to go around, girl-next-door types. Didn't we already see that? I'd like to see what a rich, chesty, divorcee prone to drunkeness and emotional manipulation would have done with the title. And what the men's response would have been.
I still watch the "skill-based" reality shows too; right now it's Top Chef season, which is my favorite one of all. Cuz it combines a competition with food porn. I just like to imagine what all of their crazy creations would taste like. But my two beefs with this all-star season are...really, it's Mike I., Richard, and Antonia in it to win it, still? I gots no beef with Richard Blais, clearly it's his mission in life, it's going to kill him to not win it, and he is crazy talented. Yes, he's cocky, but it's combined with a crippling lack of confidence, and that's a combination I can get behind, neurosis-wise. It makes no sense, but then, I'm sure it makes no sense in Richard's disturbed mind either, so I call us even. Antonia seems cool....to smoke weed with, but to be my Top Chef? I'm not sure she's ready for the responsibility, you guys. And Mike Isabella, oh Christ, I don't know what to think. Just a dude. Who can occasionally cook really tasty food. And seems like a woman-hater. But like, not as noxious of a woman-hater as some. And seems kind of douchy. But in a way I could maybe stand, as long as he was bringing it with the platefuls of gnocchi with a pork bolognese. Like, his jokes might be funny if they were coming from the dude that just served me a plate of that stuff that he made. So, you know, I hope he doesn't win, but I don't hate him. There's my ringing endorsement of Mike Isabella.
Maybe I can throw some love, last but not least, on The Amazing Race. Flight Time and Big Easy are princes among men, and I won't hear a bad word against them. OK, not really, but they've sure mastered the art of the finely-timed bon-mot, and the legitimate good-friends-ness that permeates through them make them a pleasure to watch on the TV's. And sure, they're more used to it than some, but good-on-em for realizing that people will root for you more if you appear funny and nice than if you appear dickish, weird, frail, or creepy, which seems to be what a lot of the all-stars are going for. I mean, really, Christina's dad (is it Ron?), are you going to subject us to your emotionally abusive behavior towards your daughter a second season? And what in holy hell was up with the Goths this last leg? Was the pressure of pretending to be in a heterosexual relationship when there's clearly more to that story getting to the both of them? God love em, they seem like nice people, but pressure-cooker situations do not seem to be their strength. Perhaps this is owing to the creepiness of the one guy eschewing his natural sexual tendencies for the more socially acceptable relationship, except not really because who really thinks a goth girl with pink hair pretending to have sex with a goth guy with matching drawn-on eyebrows is more socially acceptable than the gay dude just boning another dude and the lady goth being free to have sex with either a more masculine goth or a lady-friend of her own choosing? Do not get. Do not want.
I don't know if I can touch Idol with a ten-foot-pole this week. This is the show, more than any other of my dumbass obsessions, that I try to drag more sane friends into. Just watch it this week with me, I urge, with all the verve and charm of your friendly neighborhood drug dealer. It doesn't make you dirty, I say, it makes you more like me. I like to judge performance. Man, do I like to tell you, my imaginary friend or blog reader, about why or why not someone's talents live up to my exacting standards. And I do. I like watching that show. I thought Simon Cowell leaving was the deal-breaker for me, because I did enjoy that asshole's eviscerations of performances that I felt were also not up to my quality standards. But lately, I've felt like, what's the goddamn point, really? Some kids are gonna suck, some are gonna suck less than you thought, but I'm still gonna keep watching anyway for that elusive magic-in-a-bottle moment that makes you think that some talent that really wouldn't have gotten the light of day otherwise is going to be showcased on this goofy little show. So, I'm protective of the show, that can so easily and so usually spin off into goofball entertainment. Because of this, it makes me sad to say that none of the current crop are roping me in enough with their performances on a week-to-week basis that I can really champion them. So, I'm not going to be able to point to one performer and say, "That's why I watch this show. Because sometimes, you'll see something like that, " with a straight face this year, because even my favorites are inconsistent. But I am digging the fact that I've finally pieced together that Stefano is Tony Danza and Matt LeBlanc's love child, and Scotty is Alfred E. Neuman and George W. Bush's.
That's all I've got, folks. Don't forget to tip your waiters and waitresses. They work hard so that you don't have to.
So lately, I've been really into Intervention thanks to its preponderance on my Netflix streaming. And it's become a bit of a problem. I seem to gravitate toward the heroin addict ones, and a lot of them talk about "chasing the dragon", like they're continuing to search for that hit that's gonna be as good as the one in their memory. I find myself doing that lately with the episodes themselves. I'll search and search the episode descriptions for the ones that are gonna give me the greatest hit for my money.
I am also one of those dumbasses that watches the Bachelor with alarming regularity. Hey, I didn't say I was proud of it, but to me, there is nothing like watching a weird, creepy, half-fake, full-dysfunctional pseudo-relationship play out before your eyes for like 24 hours worth of filmed entertainment, and then watching the sad aftermath of said fake relationship play out on TV and the internet to appease my nosy-parker instincts quite like that show. Because in one way, it seems like, well of course none of these relationships work out, they're conducted by people on TV, for TV, in a creepy, misogynistic, simultaneously antiquated and fraught-with-the-modern-perils-of-a-life-lived-without-shame-or-boundaries type of way, so of course it wouldn't ever work for real. But then there's another part of me that thinks, if these two famewhores and exercise addicts can't make it work out, what with their apparent shared zeal for both famewhoring and exercise, what chance do any of us crazy kids have in this world? I'm bumming that Chantal won't be the next Bachelorette, though. I'd have liked to see what that big-chested crazy wonder would have brought to the table, much more so than I give a shit what girl-dentist Ashley does in the romance department. Because certainly, dentist-Ashley deserves love, and I'm sure can find it someday, but really, what are the chances it's going to happen this way? There's only so many really dim, really sweet firefighters like Ryan to go around, girl-next-door types. Didn't we already see that? I'd like to see what a rich, chesty, divorcee prone to drunkeness and emotional manipulation would have done with the title. And what the men's response would have been.
I still watch the "skill-based" reality shows too; right now it's Top Chef season, which is my favorite one of all. Cuz it combines a competition with food porn. I just like to imagine what all of their crazy creations would taste like. But my two beefs with this all-star season are...really, it's Mike I., Richard, and Antonia in it to win it, still? I gots no beef with Richard Blais, clearly it's his mission in life, it's going to kill him to not win it, and he is crazy talented. Yes, he's cocky, but it's combined with a crippling lack of confidence, and that's a combination I can get behind, neurosis-wise. It makes no sense, but then, I'm sure it makes no sense in Richard's disturbed mind either, so I call us even. Antonia seems cool....to smoke weed with, but to be my Top Chef? I'm not sure she's ready for the responsibility, you guys. And Mike Isabella, oh Christ, I don't know what to think. Just a dude. Who can occasionally cook really tasty food. And seems like a woman-hater. But like, not as noxious of a woman-hater as some. And seems kind of douchy. But in a way I could maybe stand, as long as he was bringing it with the platefuls of gnocchi with a pork bolognese. Like, his jokes might be funny if they were coming from the dude that just served me a plate of that stuff that he made. So, you know, I hope he doesn't win, but I don't hate him. There's my ringing endorsement of Mike Isabella.
Maybe I can throw some love, last but not least, on The Amazing Race. Flight Time and Big Easy are princes among men, and I won't hear a bad word against them. OK, not really, but they've sure mastered the art of the finely-timed bon-mot, and the legitimate good-friends-ness that permeates through them make them a pleasure to watch on the TV's. And sure, they're more used to it than some, but good-on-em for realizing that people will root for you more if you appear funny and nice than if you appear dickish, weird, frail, or creepy, which seems to be what a lot of the all-stars are going for. I mean, really, Christina's dad (is it Ron?), are you going to subject us to your emotionally abusive behavior towards your daughter a second season? And what in holy hell was up with the Goths this last leg? Was the pressure of pretending to be in a heterosexual relationship when there's clearly more to that story getting to the both of them? God love em, they seem like nice people, but pressure-cooker situations do not seem to be their strength. Perhaps this is owing to the creepiness of the one guy eschewing his natural sexual tendencies for the more socially acceptable relationship, except not really because who really thinks a goth girl with pink hair pretending to have sex with a goth guy with matching drawn-on eyebrows is more socially acceptable than the gay dude just boning another dude and the lady goth being free to have sex with either a more masculine goth or a lady-friend of her own choosing? Do not get. Do not want.
I don't know if I can touch Idol with a ten-foot-pole this week. This is the show, more than any other of my dumbass obsessions, that I try to drag more sane friends into. Just watch it this week with me, I urge, with all the verve and charm of your friendly neighborhood drug dealer. It doesn't make you dirty, I say, it makes you more like me. I like to judge performance. Man, do I like to tell you, my imaginary friend or blog reader, about why or why not someone's talents live up to my exacting standards. And I do. I like watching that show. I thought Simon Cowell leaving was the deal-breaker for me, because I did enjoy that asshole's eviscerations of performances that I felt were also not up to my quality standards. But lately, I've felt like, what's the goddamn point, really? Some kids are gonna suck, some are gonna suck less than you thought, but I'm still gonna keep watching anyway for that elusive magic-in-a-bottle moment that makes you think that some talent that really wouldn't have gotten the light of day otherwise is going to be showcased on this goofy little show. So, I'm protective of the show, that can so easily and so usually spin off into goofball entertainment. Because of this, it makes me sad to say that none of the current crop are roping me in enough with their performances on a week-to-week basis that I can really champion them. So, I'm not going to be able to point to one performer and say, "That's why I watch this show. Because sometimes, you'll see something like that, " with a straight face this year, because even my favorites are inconsistent. But I am digging the fact that I've finally pieced together that Stefano is Tony Danza and Matt LeBlanc's love child, and Scotty is Alfred E. Neuman and George W. Bush's.
That's all I've got, folks. Don't forget to tip your waiters and waitresses. They work hard so that you don't have to.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Shit I Hope I Remember to Say to My Daughter When She's a Teen
I feel like I got lucky with Elodie, in that she's not like me. She doesn't seem to recognize bullshit as readily as I feel I did even at a young age. She gets along with people of all stripes, all ages, all skin tones, all douchebag levels, and she accepts people where they are and gets down to the get down with them...her go-to question with a new person is where can we connect? Is it over play-wrestling, or you picking me up and swinging me around? Fine, let's do that. Are you into make-up, and dress-up? I can do that too. Do you want to play pretend? Pick your poison, we can play school, we can play fairies, we can play princesses, we can play family, etc. etc. So, maybe she doesn't need these words from her mother as much as I probably needed them when I was a preteen, but on the chance that her hormones will go all wiggidy-wack and she'll turn into a monster I don't recognize in adolescence, here's some shit I hope I'll remember to say...
1. Adolescence is torture, and anyone that tells you that high school is the best years of your life is a loser.
2. Your mom truly is the smartest person you know, and her advice is correct, and you know this is true, Elodie, because your mom won money for being right on Jeopardy.
3 Just because someone seems to have nothing in common with you on the surface doesn't mean they have nothing to offer you on any level. Conversely, having the same movie tastes, TV tastes, video game tastes, and music tastes in common doesn't mean you agree on life's big questions.
4. Teenagers are terrible people. Don't trust any of them, including yourself. You are making terrible choices right now, probably, and if you aren't, your friends certainly are. That heady cocktail of peer pressure, insecurity, and hormones practically guarantees that what you think is a good idea isn't. Therefore, don't make any decision at all in this state that will have long-term consequences for your future.
5. You wanna know another thing teens suck at? Judging people. Do you think it's just some crazy coincidence that most of the awesome adults on this Earth admit to feeling bullied, or judged, or picked on as a teen? Not fitting in, being smart, being sensitive--believe it or not, actual adults that exist in the real world admire those traits. You never know which of your "dork" acquaintances might be Bill Gates, and if you yourself are a dork? Count yourself lucky. Dorks are usually the people who can see through the teen bullshit at a younger age and aren't willing or able to play along. Being the prettiest girl in high school never guaranteed anybody a trouble-free life.
6. If somebody seems a little off, they are. Everybody who is crazy gives you ample warning signs. I know it seems like the right thing to do, to be their friend, but trust me when i tell you it is better for all involved if you cut them off and walk away. If your crazy friend loses friends, it's going to be a wake-up call to them, and if not, it's better to cut your losses. Specifically, remove yourself from any situation or friend that wants you to do something that you know is wrong or incredibly dangerous. Look, slightly dangerous situations are the lifeblood of a teen, and I get that. I'm talking about if in your gut, even you know this is insanity. Get out of there. He/She is not worth it. You are.
7. Love. Sex. Hoo Boy. I will say just this...Love is great. Sex is grand. The two combined are the best of all. But boys will never be more of a sex-focused pig than they are in the next ten years, and you have to always remember that some of these sex-driven maniacs will turn out to be decent men, and some of them will continue to be sex-driven maniacs, and it's best if you can try to discern between the two. And always, always keep in mind that there are many men out there that will feel the same way about you as whatever Boy X is spouting off to you. In fact, it may be a useful exercise to say to yourself, when Boy X says, "I just think you are the most beautiful woman I've ever known", or "You are my soul mate and therefore you must sleep with me," that there exist at least 10 more men on the planet that would/could/do feel the exact same way. And then, pick and choose among them. And use a condom, for Christ's sake. I don't wanna be a grandma yet.
1. Adolescence is torture, and anyone that tells you that high school is the best years of your life is a loser.
2. Your mom truly is the smartest person you know, and her advice is correct, and you know this is true, Elodie, because your mom won money for being right on Jeopardy.
3 Just because someone seems to have nothing in common with you on the surface doesn't mean they have nothing to offer you on any level. Conversely, having the same movie tastes, TV tastes, video game tastes, and music tastes in common doesn't mean you agree on life's big questions.
4. Teenagers are terrible people. Don't trust any of them, including yourself. You are making terrible choices right now, probably, and if you aren't, your friends certainly are. That heady cocktail of peer pressure, insecurity, and hormones practically guarantees that what you think is a good idea isn't. Therefore, don't make any decision at all in this state that will have long-term consequences for your future.
5. You wanna know another thing teens suck at? Judging people. Do you think it's just some crazy coincidence that most of the awesome adults on this Earth admit to feeling bullied, or judged, or picked on as a teen? Not fitting in, being smart, being sensitive--believe it or not, actual adults that exist in the real world admire those traits. You never know which of your "dork" acquaintances might be Bill Gates, and if you yourself are a dork? Count yourself lucky. Dorks are usually the people who can see through the teen bullshit at a younger age and aren't willing or able to play along. Being the prettiest girl in high school never guaranteed anybody a trouble-free life.
6. If somebody seems a little off, they are. Everybody who is crazy gives you ample warning signs. I know it seems like the right thing to do, to be their friend, but trust me when i tell you it is better for all involved if you cut them off and walk away. If your crazy friend loses friends, it's going to be a wake-up call to them, and if not, it's better to cut your losses. Specifically, remove yourself from any situation or friend that wants you to do something that you know is wrong or incredibly dangerous. Look, slightly dangerous situations are the lifeblood of a teen, and I get that. I'm talking about if in your gut, even you know this is insanity. Get out of there. He/She is not worth it. You are.
7. Love. Sex. Hoo Boy. I will say just this...Love is great. Sex is grand. The two combined are the best of all. But boys will never be more of a sex-focused pig than they are in the next ten years, and you have to always remember that some of these sex-driven maniacs will turn out to be decent men, and some of them will continue to be sex-driven maniacs, and it's best if you can try to discern between the two. And always, always keep in mind that there are many men out there that will feel the same way about you as whatever Boy X is spouting off to you. In fact, it may be a useful exercise to say to yourself, when Boy X says, "I just think you are the most beautiful woman I've ever known", or "You are my soul mate and therefore you must sleep with me," that there exist at least 10 more men on the planet that would/could/do feel the exact same way. And then, pick and choose among them. And use a condom, for Christ's sake. I don't wanna be a grandma yet.
Monday, March 7, 2011
What's Heather Putting in Her Mouth? Trader Joe's Edition
Everyone knows that Trader Joe's is the best supermarket in all the land, right? Global Market on Kirkwood Road is pretty damn good too, but I think Trader Joe's still wins, mainly because of the service and ambience. If you've never been there, I...judge you, frankly. Shit, fool, it's been open in Saint Louis for seven years! But even if you have been there, maybe you've gotten stuck in your own Trader Joe's rut. You know how you do, you have three or four favorites, so you go in, grab those, maybe try a new cheese, bread, or wine if you're really feeling fancy, then leave. I don't purport to be a Trader Joe's expert, but I do have a few favorites that I'll share with you, in no particular order, so you can mix it up a little the next time you go in.
1. Mochi. It's a ball of ice cream surrounded by a gelatinous dough, y'all. Popular in Japan, they have it in flavors such as mango, green tea, and chocolate. Normally, I'm a chocolate girl all the way, but I find the fruitier options are a better choice when you're talking mochi. I think the green tea is my favorite. As my brother said the first time he tried one, "It would almost have been worth it for the Japanese to have defeated us in World War II if it meant I would have grown up eating these."
2. Smoked Salmon. If you're a fan at all of lox and bagels, this salmon is just as good as you would get ordering that in any restaurant, and better than you'll get from like an Einstein bagels or some other chain. Plus you can get a bag that'll hook up at least four big-ass bagels for like 8.99. You can't order one serving of lox and bagels at a restaurant for that price. And it's nice and salty, and pink looking, and non-fishy smelling.
3. Pot Roast. Look, I'm not trying to say pot roast is the most delicious or exotic meal of all time. But theirs comes in a bag, which you can microwave, and it's really freaking tender and yummy. And you can microwave it. In a bag. Throw it on some instant mashed potatoes, and there's dinner--in like three minutes. (get some bleu cheese from their cheese selection and throw it in the instant mashed potatoes and now there's gourmet dinner in like three minutes).
4. Cheese Enchiladas. These come in a one-serving size in the frozen food section. They have chicken enchildas too. Both of them cost around 2 bucks, and they take about 4 minutes in the microwave. They're great to take for your lunch, because they're delicious, they're filling, and each of them is around 400 calories. They're a damn sight tastier than a Lean Cuisine meal for about the same price and about the same calories, is what I'm saying.
5. Mousse Pate. They have a few different kinds of this, some made just with chicken livers, some with chicken and pork livers, some with truffles, some with mushrooms. If you're kind of fancy and like high falutin' meatstuffs, this really is the shizz with some crackers and some cheese. If you think you're not fancy, but you've ever liked braunschweiger, try this because you may just like it. It's spreadable meat!
6. Sea Salt Brownies. I for one am a fan of the put-salty-on-sweet trend, and these little bite-size brownies have just a sprinkle of salt, which makes the chocolate taste more chocolately without imparting much of a salty flavor. Just a soupcon, just a smidge. Yes, please.
7. Cilantro Jalapeno Hummus. All of their hummus is good, but this one is my favorite. The cilantro imparts a fresh taste, and the jalapeno imparts just a little heat. This hummus on some bagel chips may be the world's most perfect snack food.
I may come back and add to this list later, but this ought to get you started...
1. Mochi. It's a ball of ice cream surrounded by a gelatinous dough, y'all. Popular in Japan, they have it in flavors such as mango, green tea, and chocolate. Normally, I'm a chocolate girl all the way, but I find the fruitier options are a better choice when you're talking mochi. I think the green tea is my favorite. As my brother said the first time he tried one, "It would almost have been worth it for the Japanese to have defeated us in World War II if it meant I would have grown up eating these."
2. Smoked Salmon. If you're a fan at all of lox and bagels, this salmon is just as good as you would get ordering that in any restaurant, and better than you'll get from like an Einstein bagels or some other chain. Plus you can get a bag that'll hook up at least four big-ass bagels for like 8.99. You can't order one serving of lox and bagels at a restaurant for that price. And it's nice and salty, and pink looking, and non-fishy smelling.
3. Pot Roast. Look, I'm not trying to say pot roast is the most delicious or exotic meal of all time. But theirs comes in a bag, which you can microwave, and it's really freaking tender and yummy. And you can microwave it. In a bag. Throw it on some instant mashed potatoes, and there's dinner--in like three minutes. (get some bleu cheese from their cheese selection and throw it in the instant mashed potatoes and now there's gourmet dinner in like three minutes).
4. Cheese Enchiladas. These come in a one-serving size in the frozen food section. They have chicken enchildas too. Both of them cost around 2 bucks, and they take about 4 minutes in the microwave. They're great to take for your lunch, because they're delicious, they're filling, and each of them is around 400 calories. They're a damn sight tastier than a Lean Cuisine meal for about the same price and about the same calories, is what I'm saying.
5. Mousse Pate. They have a few different kinds of this, some made just with chicken livers, some with chicken and pork livers, some with truffles, some with mushrooms. If you're kind of fancy and like high falutin' meatstuffs, this really is the shizz with some crackers and some cheese. If you think you're not fancy, but you've ever liked braunschweiger, try this because you may just like it. It's spreadable meat!
6. Sea Salt Brownies. I for one am a fan of the put-salty-on-sweet trend, and these little bite-size brownies have just a sprinkle of salt, which makes the chocolate taste more chocolately without imparting much of a salty flavor. Just a soupcon, just a smidge. Yes, please.
7. Cilantro Jalapeno Hummus. All of their hummus is good, but this one is my favorite. The cilantro imparts a fresh taste, and the jalapeno imparts just a little heat. This hummus on some bagel chips may be the world's most perfect snack food.
I may come back and add to this list later, but this ought to get you started...
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